The cruelest month
I had a friend many years ago, who used to call February ‘Banshee Season’. For good reason, people, especially those of us blessed (*cough*) to live in colder climates start to go a bit batty in February. Typically sane, rational people do some crazy stuff that they would otherwise NOT do. Such as drink too much and go outside naked trying to summons UFO’s. Not that I have any personal experience with that one, besides bearing witness to it.
I digress, this winter has been a particularly tough one, filled with very high highs, and super low lows… I won’t go into the details, everyone has ‘em. No need to air the laundry, or seem like a braggart (well, not today, anyway.)
But to round out this month, my grandfather decided to die earlier this week. (& today is the 16th anniversary of my Nana’s passing, the woman who taught me to knit.) I wasn’t close to my grandfather… In typical dysfunctional family style, he had mistresses & I resented him deeply for it. I believe him living his lifestyle was shitting all over my Nana.
Now, I’m faced with the decision of ‘going home’ for the services. Without a doubt this is churning up a multitude of feelings & shit that I’ve managed to sweep under a rug, nice and tidy like. Maude dammit, if it all isn’t undone and messy now…. If I do wind up going, it would only be to support my mother. Tons of logistical things need to be worked out, still. Not to mention the compromise of my personal boundaries.
Sheesh.
Hopefully, I’ll be back tomorrow, posting some happy stuff. (There is some happy good stuff lurking!)
& I need to say how grateful I am for my friends, who seem to know better than I do; that staying in my PipCave too long, isn’t a good thing. Thank you lovely ladies!
Listen to your gut and your heart and you’ll know what to do.
Most of all, take care of yourself. Loss is loss even if the living relationship wasn’t a good one.
Hugs.
February 23rd, 2007 | #
Go. Go for your mother, go for yourself, and go for all the s#it you have been supressing about him. Use this as an opportunity to exorcise a demon (not the he was a demon, the demon is all the resentment and pain you carry). Memorial services/funerals are amazing and transformitive events. Every time I learn something about the passed person that I never knew before. You may gain a new perspective on him.
Whatever your decision, make it final. Don’t let it be a lingering regret.
Hugs.
February 23rd, 2007 | #
I’m sorry for the loss of your grandfather and everything it’s bringing up for you. I hope you can find a way to support your mom and yourself and do what’s right for you.
February 23rd, 2007 | #
Yep. I hate it when someone I long pretended was dead (ie my own grandfather and — for that matter — my father) up & actually dies and makes you Deal With It.
Well, whichever you choose, just remember: you don’t have to do a damn thing ‘cept be true to you.
Also, look out the window at around 5:40 today and remember: it was pitch black out at that time on the first of February.
Good Luck
February 23rd, 2007 | #
I agree with what Maia said. Also, everybody has good and bad in them. Try to find something about your grandfather to appreciate - maybe even just the fact that he was your mom’s dad is enough.
February has been the pits here too. A very dark month for me but there is a spring to look forward to…
Hugs.
February 23rd, 2007 | #
MWUAH
February 23rd, 2007 | #
In Maine we call it “woods queeah” when you get a little batty in the middle of winter. Good luck with your family thing - I know they can be tough. And I can’t wait to hear the good news
February 23rd, 2007 | #
we’re beyond batty here. i keep having this dream about soaking myself in the shower and then lying in a snow drift (it’s a february thing–nothing dangerous). kids have been cranky beyond wildest nightmares. trouble at #1’s school, etc.
good luck w/ family mess. me, i’m the one who didn’t go to my grandmother’s funeral, so i probably shouldn’t give advice. my mother was fine with it. hadn’t seen my grandmother in five or six years by then. she actually passed me in the mall one day, i held the door open for her, and she didn’t recognize me. very weird.
anyway, sending wishes for the best solution…
L
February 23rd, 2007 | #
Go and if you later wish you had not, it will give fuel to your fire. If you do not go, you may regret it and not be able to undo it.
February 23rd, 2007 | #
Families…they’re nothing but trouble. Oh crap, did I say that out loud? Good luck to you no matter what you decide to do.
Hugs.
February 23rd, 2007 | #
hi pippi-so sorry about your dilema. if you are close with your mom- she might really need your support. death of a parent is heavy no matter what kind of relationship was had. it’s good for closure too-but these things are never easy. maybe you could wrtie him a note, spill your guts-and stick it in his coffin. or not. peace to you!
February 24th, 2007 | #
hi sweetie. follow your heart, i know you will.
xo.
February 24th, 2007 | #
Confusing family stuff? I hear you and feel for you. And only a few more days of February.
February 24th, 2007 | #
oh man. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. And in “the cruelest month’ no less. I am feeling the cabin fever feelings of Feb too. It’s hard enough for me just to keep it together without having to deal a huge emotional hit. I’ll be thinking about ya.
February 24th, 2007 | #
Hugs to you! That’s a tough decision. I’m sorry you are faced with it.
February 25th, 2007 | #
Luckily March is in like a lion and out like a lamb. What knitter doesn’t love little lambs. Sounds like you’ve had a February like a wooly mammoth. Blue skies ahead, but first some snow in Vermont. Here’s some advice my mom gives me when it seems like everyone else is just cruising around and you feel like you’re stuck in the mud. “Don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides.” Everybody has some cats in the closet. We just don’t always see them. Congratulations on bringing out your cat.
March 1st, 2007 | #
My thoughts are with you and your family during this time. As my Mom always said, funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the living.
March 6th, 2007 | #
Big hugs to you Miss Pippi!
March 6th, 2007 | #
First I have to thank you for publishing the pattern for the Fireside booties….it was what drew me to your blog in the first place. Out of curiosity I read some of your other posts. I too had a grandfather who had a mistress…..moved her right in the house. I remember visiting them when I was a young child and walking behind him and the mistress with grandma….talk about dysfunctional! All I have to say is that situation and grandma’s response to it was what made grandma so special….she was a survivor in a time when women seemed to have few options and rights. Her greatest gift was to bless her grandaughters with some mighty feistiness! …and yes she too was the one who started my love of knitting and wool. My thoughts now are only sorrow for him and thankfullness for that wonderful woman.
March 16th, 2007 | #